What To Say

I don't know what to say anymore. Sunday was Father's Day. They interviewed two fathers who lost their sons in Iraq. I'm sure they interviewed many more but chose the two that they did perhaps because they were very expressive, maybe more so than a lot of other men. I don't know. What they said sticks in my mind. Most of the time I can not express what I'm feeling and then you hear someone else put your feelings into words so easily, or what seems so easily anyway, and so precisely. Or maybe it's that I don't really know what I'm feeling so how can one put into words what one doesn't know? When I heard what these men said it sort of lifted my spirits because it lifted my moroseness by putting into words an undefined heaviness bearing down upon my mind. Yes, at times I know exactly what I'm feeling. Anger, sadness, frustration, loss. But that doesn't cover it. It's much deeper than that. Kevin was my flesh and blood. A part of me died.

But what these men said really helped. The one said that after everything is said and done. After all of the anger and everything else is gone, there's a big hole left. A big empty hole. Emptiness. Kevin was his father's legacy as well as mine and now we have become his legacy as the other man stated. These are things I've known. One knows a lot of things. These things aren't anything new but it helps to clarify them and bring them into focus as it does when you hear someone else articulate exactly what you're going through and feeling. It helps. If only I could articulate everything I think it would be like lifting the weight of the world from my shoulders.

I've been thinking about the word "immortality" which I used last week in my blog. We all are immortal, as I think I've said before, religiously speaking, that is. Marilyn Monroe comes to mind. Kevin loved Marilyn Monroe. She's a legend, an icon, immortal, I guess, in the eyes of society. Does the approbation of our fellow human beings mean anything in the big scheme of things? Her image is every where. Cookie jars, salt and pepper shakers, Christmas ornaments. Would I want that for Kevin? Would he want that? Would Marilyn Monroe have wanted that? So how do we acknowledge and keep alive the memory of our loved one, or will Kevin's memory be like most? Kept in the heart of a handfull of people. Maybe that's the way it's suppose to be.

So, I don't know what to say about anything at this point...