The Suit

Just recently Brian, Kevin's brother, needed a suit carrier for a trip he was going to make to his grandmother's funeral in New York. He called to ask the where-abouts of Kevin's suit which was in a suit carrier and which I had kept for sometime now in my closet. There are many pictures of Kevin in his suit, a suit he had gotten for his 21st birthday along with a beautiful and very expensive pair of shoes and a silver gray shirt which was also hung with his suit beneath the jacket. Brian had called very early in the morning and so in the dark I took the suit carrier out of the closet , removed the suit, placed the suit back in the closet and left the carrier on my door as I left for work. It was all very quick but on a subconscious level I guess I had continued to think about that suit. It was always in the carrier, I knew it was there, but I had never seen it. I had never seen Kevin in his beautiful dark gray manly suit, I had only seen pictures.

This morning I reached in the closet to pull out a dress, it's dark in the closet, poor lighting, and my arm brushed against something, his suit, which even felt a little silky or maybe it was because of the lining. I had forgotten about the suit in the over stuffed closet which has things I usually don't wear and many of my boxes still packed with collectibles. I took the suit out and held it silver gray shirt and all. I almost held it as if Kevin was still in it. As if I was hugging Kevin and then, as I usually do, I forced myself to put the suit back, or,as on other occasions when I'm thinking emotionally, to stop dwelling on whatever it is I'm thinking about and move and get on with what I have to do. I put the suit back in the closet.

This morning I felt really good, was even playing my special cd that a friend had taped for me and wondered what Kevin would have thought if he had seen me dancing around the apartment to a couple of my favorite songs. Of course if he was here I would have shared this cd with him right away. I call it my anti-depression tape because as soon as you hear these songs it makes you (me, anyway) want to get up and dance. I don't know why the suit touched me so deeply but it did. I have other belongings of Kevin but the suit touched me in a different way. Why.

When I drove here in Des Moines the first time, over four years ago now, I did one of the express buses, the E.P. True. Kevin told me he and his friends, school kids, always wondered what the 9EP true was. I still don't know who or what E.P. true is. There was a young man who road that bus. He probably worked for Principal or one of the other large insurance companies downtown. He reminded me very much of Kevin and was even built just like him. I'm sure in his off hours he dressed very much like his peer group but going to and from work he dressed like an up and coming successful young man. He got off at one of the very nice apartment complexes in West Des Moines. This is what I hoped for for Kevin.

But don't get me wrong, Kevin would have been a success even if he never wore a suit. He would have worn one, though, at different times, for special occasions. He would have worn that very suit to his grandmother's funeral. I don't gage success by whether a suit is worn or not worn. It's something more or something else.

So the suit. Maybe it represents the future that will never be or the death of my hopes and dreams and wishes for him. When I see the pictures of him in that suit it is the man, Kevin. It is what he would have become. There is no doubt in my mind that he would have worn suits like that frequently, if not every day on the job but, now, we will never know... I could save Kevin's t-shirts, and hats, Kevin dressed like his peer group too, but for some strange reason I will keep and cherish "The Suit". It was a Kevin I never got to see and represents a precious life that never had a chance to express itself.