The Day That Would Have Been, The Day That Is
April 7th, Kevin's birthday. 23 years old he would have been today. A handsome, intelligent, talented, young man who still hadn't reached his full maturity and who should have had his whole life ahead of him. Today, I would have made a cake for him although Kevin wasn't really big on sweets. Kevin and I would have gone to A-Dong, his favorite restaurant, and a place we've gone many times before. Perhaps on the weekend or even tonight, since his birthday falls on a Friday, we would have gotten together with Brian and Jaylynn. Well, he would have celebrated with them and his other friends. Too late for me and since I would have seen him early in the day that would have been perfectly okay.
I think I mentioned before that Kevin was very easy to buy for. I would always ask him what he wanted, birthday or Christmas, and he would always reply in the same way. "Oh, just my two front teeth". Of course, he had those. I'm so happy that the year before he died, meaning his 21st birthday, (actually only 3 months or so before he disappeared, I did send a birthday package to him from New York. A shirt, a book he was interested in, and a couple of other things. Maybe Irish coins. A set of Irish coins, mounted and framed. Kevin liked and collected coins. At times I feel sad when I walk through Younker's, the mens section, and I see a shirt I would have liked to buy for him for his birthday. Or when I go by Christopher's, a coin store, because perhaps this year I would have gotten him a coin for his collection for his birthday. So many things which just aren't going to be anymore. In other words, no more shopping or preparations for his birthday. Last year at this time we were waiting for the results of the DNA testing which came back around the 15th of April. Already we had started to plan for Kevin's memorial service, plans which would be finalized once the results came back. This year those things are over and gone and so his birth date seems to stand out so much more to me.
So, the day that is is me sitting at the key board at the library trying to type meaningless words which could never express how I feel and the abomination of this whole thing and the loss of Kevin Russell Martin. I feel like someone reached in and tore my heart right out of my chest while I was wide awake. So, today, his birthday is hard to focus on although later on I'll get busy and be able to think in a more positive, spiritual light. As the pastor said, Kevin is free now, unencumbered by a body, sorrow, and all the other earthly garbage. We should think that he is the lucky one although that is hard to do, especially on holidays and birthdays as I've said before. Those days seem to accentuate and magnify the loss.
So, the neat day that isn't going to happen and the struggle to put the day that is into perspective with all the sorrow, increased memories(which has seemed to happen on these special days - well, I guess because one makes them more special and so would tend to remember them) questions, frustratations, and a lack of answers and closure...
So this is Kevin's birthday, today, and a "birth" day for me 23 years ago. That, and all the birthdys inbetween.
I think I mentioned before that Kevin was very easy to buy for. I would always ask him what he wanted, birthday or Christmas, and he would always reply in the same way. "Oh, just my two front teeth". Of course, he had those. I'm so happy that the year before he died, meaning his 21st birthday, (actually only 3 months or so before he disappeared, I did send a birthday package to him from New York. A shirt, a book he was interested in, and a couple of other things. Maybe Irish coins. A set of Irish coins, mounted and framed. Kevin liked and collected coins. At times I feel sad when I walk through Younker's, the mens section, and I see a shirt I would have liked to buy for him for his birthday. Or when I go by Christopher's, a coin store, because perhaps this year I would have gotten him a coin for his collection for his birthday. So many things which just aren't going to be anymore. In other words, no more shopping or preparations for his birthday. Last year at this time we were waiting for the results of the DNA testing which came back around the 15th of April. Already we had started to plan for Kevin's memorial service, plans which would be finalized once the results came back. This year those things are over and gone and so his birth date seems to stand out so much more to me.
So, the day that is is me sitting at the key board at the library trying to type meaningless words which could never express how I feel and the abomination of this whole thing and the loss of Kevin Russell Martin. I feel like someone reached in and tore my heart right out of my chest while I was wide awake. So, today, his birthday is hard to focus on although later on I'll get busy and be able to think in a more positive, spiritual light. As the pastor said, Kevin is free now, unencumbered by a body, sorrow, and all the other earthly garbage. We should think that he is the lucky one although that is hard to do, especially on holidays and birthdays as I've said before. Those days seem to accentuate and magnify the loss.
So, the neat day that isn't going to happen and the struggle to put the day that is into perspective with all the sorrow, increased memories(which has seemed to happen on these special days - well, I guess because one makes them more special and so would tend to remember them) questions, frustratations, and a lack of answers and closure...
So this is Kevin's birthday, today, and a "birth" day for me 23 years ago. That, and all the birthdys inbetween.
posted by Patricia | 8:04 AM
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