Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving - to be thankful for all the things we do have and as I've said before I have to work on being thankful for the 21 years I had with Kevin. 21 years was a significant life as the pastor said but, yes, I want the real deal not just memories. That isn't reality and so I have " memories" and have to make the best of them. More than that, I guess, I have to treasure them because that's all I have. In due time I'm sure I will appreciate those wonderful memories more and more because they were wonderful and many.

Always at the wrong place at the wrong time. But for once in my life I felt this was not the case. When I came out to live in Des Moines I always made a special point to do things with Kevin even when at times I felt I was intruding on his young bachelor life and friends. But it was something that I felt strongly about almost to the point that on another level, a subconscious level, I knew something more... and so I was given this miraculous gift of time with Kevin.

Thanksgiving. So, yes, I will have to work at keeping my spirit up but I do have those memories. As a matter of fact I spent two Thanksgiving days with him and one wonderful Christmas. But that's another story. So, trying to give thanks for so many things plus Kevin's little namesake, Kevin Russell Martin, who was born August 9th and brings so much joy.

Pain

After I finish the new posting I go to Kevin's website www.kevinmartin.com as I did today too. We're coming up on a bad part of the year for me as for alot of other people who have lost loved ones. This time of the year I guess I just can't maintain my composure as well as we're bombarded with Christmas and Thanksgiving cheer and togetherness and family get-togethers.

I look at the pictures, especially the one which seems so much more personal and alive and I can't believe this handsome young man with his whole life to live isn't coming back. But he isn't.

There is still so much pain. Actually it has been much harder lately for some reason. It still is so hard to remember the wonderful Holidays we had, to be thankful for those memories. To be satisfied with memories? Maybe in due time but now I'm really feeling the pain... and loss.

The Search

I was in the library on November 14th almost exactly a year ago to the day that we had a "search" for Kevin in downtown Des Moines at 4th and Court where he spposedly was last seen. I'll never forget that day either as I stood there on a very clear but cool morning wondering if anyone would come. It was one of many significant and extraordinary days in the past aproximately 16 months since Kevin disappeared.

People did come. It was kind of ironic I thought that I accidentally ran into one of the people who came to the search to help out. I feel remiss in that I don't think I ever adequately thanked them or her. (this was on Saturday, Nov.12th)At least I have a chance to thank this one wonderful person and in time perhaps I will meet once again some of the others.

Perhaps I will still have another search. I haven't given up on trying to find the skull which was never found and might give us more information on Kevin's death. That isn't the only search for me though. I've always been searching it seems. I'm still searching for answers large and small but now I guess I'm framing my questions and quest into the context of a missing child who was found dead. I seek answers to many things so I guess the "search goes on...

Quality of Life

Kevin's father said the quality of life in Des Moines was better than Upstate New York. I thought he was right on that. Des Moines is a beautiful city and yes the quality of my life has improved. It had improved four years ago and after returning three months ago it has again.But something is bothering me. I have begun to question more and more what "quality of life" really is.

My son is gone and I feel like I've been hitting my head up against a wall with the local authorities ever since. The local police chief accused me of having animosity toward the police because I questioned what they were doing or not doing. I have no animosity toward the police because I've had minimal contact with them throughout my life.

So quality of life? For whom and under what circumstances. Is it quality of life when a 21 year old kid disappears and nothing much is done about it? Is it quality of life when a badly decomposed body is found and still nothing much is being done? Kevin came to this beautiful city. He loved Des Moines and proudly showed me around when I visited him before my move and now he's gone...

Priorities

A lady on the bus one day was telling me a few things about her neighborhood, part of my run that I do on a daily basis. She talked about budget cuts, lights in the neighborhood, or certain parts of the area were turned off to save money. A kid on a bike got killed and strangely enough the lights came back on.

Budget cuts. Lack of man power and or resources. That was quoted to me concerning my missing child. Can you imagine the rage I felt and any parent would feel if they were told that? We just don't have the funding to find your son or determine what happened to him.

Over a year later and Kevin still isn't a priority. A year ago to the day almost I organized my search for Kevin down at 4th and Court, where he supposedly was last seen. The police would not help with the search.

A week or so ago I turned on the tv mid-day just for a littlr noise. Tony Danza was on and had a guest on unfamiliar to me but someone celebrity enough and promoting a new book. They showed a clip of him talking about the Natalie Hollaway case. He said Americans should boycot Aruba and their gov't would come up with answers fast.

What does the average nobody American citizen do? What do we do, because it isn't only me, my story and Kevin's story. It can happen to anybody and has many times I'm sure. Priorities. What are we really protected against. What really are the priorities of the Des Moines police dept.

Back in New York I saw a police car from one of the surrounding communities. It said on the side of the police car, "to protect and to serve". As far as I'm concerned that doesn't hold for everybody, at least not here anyway.