Christmas Day

Although my bloggs have only been about Kevin my biggest joy this Christmas season and this Christmas Day is the fact I've been able to spend it with Brian, Kevin's brother. Last Christmas Brian was in Iraq. We shared things about Kevin and undoubtedly Kevin would have come with us to the Chinese buffet. He would have gone with us to the Jolly Holiday Lights and other things as well. But Kevin isn't here. I don't know what happened this year, a week or so ago, but my depression and sadness lifted all of a sudden. I was able to revel in memories of Kevin as if I was embraced by them or him or something else. I've had unexplicable feelings of peace and joy and wellbeing regarding him. That's the way it should be all of the time but it's something I have to work at, something I can't maintain. The euphoria can't last all the time. That isn't life I guess but now I know those feelings will return.

Joy... I don't know what happened or why but I tried to, as they say, seize the moment. I grasped any little pieces of joy that I could; seeing three deer on S.E. 5th street, the Christmas tree on the side of the Marriot building, the lunch with a wonderful woman who had participated in Kevin's search a year prior. That was up front Kevin , the other things I would have shared with Kevin. Once again he would have humored me my silly little joys but in a compassionate way. Whatever the joys were I'll take them. I've struggled once again with hope and faith but it seems in the end I'm a step higher. I'm sure I'll have ups and downs again but for now I have to give so much thanks for my peace and joy this Christmas Day. I will continue to grab at any little thing and memory of Kevin that brings me joy and I also pray that I can see the little gifts of joy that are given me, the simple things that too often elude us...